One year to go - what I know for sure

As I inch closer to completing half a century on earth, this is what I know for sure. I am at that wonderful age when I am expected to be wise, clever, and say big things that my children and their children will quote after I die. I have earned the license to say whatever I want and get away with it, in so many spaces. This is a privilege I did not enjoy when I had more teeth, firmer breasts, a perkier butt, (did I ever have that?), and had less consciousness about who I am and what my place is in the world.

So here goes. Take out your pen and journal, (that thing with ink, and a real paper journal honey, this is not phablet stuff), you might learn a thing or two.

Note; these ARE in order of importance.

1.        Clarins facial products really work. On black women. Sorry white friends. I have given up suggesting anything to most of you. Some things are beyond even me.

2.       Having children is not for every woman. Eating croissants baked by Mohamed of Rutland Court on 4^th Street in Harare and drinking mojitos at Doppio Zero (Rosebank branch only), have the same effect – you are fulfilled. Life is beautiful.  

3.       Love your mother. Always. Give her whatever she asks for. Listen to whatever she says. You will want to quote her ad infinitum. Very effective when talking to men, directors of institutions, mentees, the media, and anyone you want to respect you.

4.        Body shaping spandex is amazingly wonderful. Just make sure you take low blood pressure medication in advance, otherwise the blood supply to your head gets cut off and you WILL faint, mid-powerful presentation, quoting said mother above.

5.       Never ever have sex with someone who has never bought, and owned five vinyl long playing records. LPs. This applies to every generation. Golden standard evidence of having lived. A life.

6.       There is no point in arguing finer points of politics, world affairs, human rights and what is wrong with heteronormative-extractivist-capitalism, with someone who does not know the words to one Randy Crawford song, or horror of all horrors, has never heard of Peter Tosh.

7.       To women of my cohort, if you are walking along the street and a man walks towards you with a smile on his face, don’t assume it is for you. It is for the little nymphet behind you. Should the smile really be for you, never ever let on that you have a platinum bank card, and your banker comes to you. Quietly enjoy the fruits of someone else’s labour. It is called willing giver, willing eater. Give them what they want. It is their patriarchal RIGHT to be the provider.  Do not deprive them of their God given right, (see Goddess below).   

8.        If they don’t give you that job/contract/column inches, it is not because you are not smart, witty, skilled or experienced. They are just too scared you will show up their deficits.  

9.       Nice women who speak in a sweet, squeaky whingy voice only get eulogized at their graveside. Speak up. Speak loud. Tweet. Write. Shout. Better to be more powerful and well respected in this life, than as a tokoloshe. Practice saying NYET. Very often.

10.   There is a Goddess up in the sky. She is always on your side. You don’t need to go inside a building to chat to her. You do not need someone else to interpret your conversations with her for you. Especially if you have to give them and or their wife any money. You do not need to consistently tell everyone about your lovely relationship with her. She knows. You know. For sure. Just enjoy it. Be grateful.