As I inch closer to completing half a century on earth, this
is what I know for sure. I am at that wonderful age when I am expected to be
wise, clever, and say big things that my children and their children will quote
after I die. I have earned the license to say whatever I want and get away with
it, in so many spaces. This is a privilege I did not enjoy when I had more
teeth, firmer breasts, a perkier butt, (did I ever have that?), and had less consciousness
about who I am and what my place is in the world.
So here goes. Take out your pen and journal, (that thing
with ink, and a real paper journal honey, this is not phablet stuff), you might
learn a thing or two.
Note; these ARE in order of importance.
1.
Clarins facial products really work. On black
women. Sorry white friends. I have given up suggesting anything to most of you.
Some things are beyond even me.
2.
Having children is not for every woman. Eating croissants
baked by Mohamed of Rutland Court on 4th Street in Harare and
drinking mojitos at Doppio Zero
(Rosebank branch only), have the same effect – you are fulfilled. Life is
beautiful.
3.
Love your mother. Always. Give her whatever she
asks for. Listen to whatever she says. You will want to quote her ad infinitum.
Very effective when talking to men, directors of institutions, mentees, the
media, and anyone you want to respect you.
4.
Body shaping
spandex is amazingly wonderful. Just make sure you take low blood pressure medication
in advance, otherwise the blood supply to your head gets cut off and you WILL
faint, mid-powerful presentation, quoting said mother above.
5.
Never ever have sex with someone who has never
bought, and owned five vinyl long playing records. LPs. This applies to every
generation. Golden standard evidence of having lived. A life.
6.
There is no point in arguing finer points of
politics, world affairs, human rights and what is wrong with heteronormative-extractivist-capitalism,
with someone who does not know the words to one Randy Crawford song, or horror
of all horrors, has never heard of Peter Tosh.
7.
To women of my cohort, if you are walking along
the street and a man walks towards you with a smile on his face, don’t assume
it is for you. It is for the little nymphet behind you. Should the smile really
be for you, never ever let on that you have a platinum bank card, and your banker
comes to you. Quietly enjoy the fruits of someone else’s labour. It is called
willing giver, willing eater. Give them what they want. It is their patriarchal
RIGHT to be the provider. Do not deprive
them of their God given right, (see Goddess below).
8.
If they don’t
give you that job/contract/column inches, it is not because you are not smart,
witty, skilled or experienced. They are just too scared you will show up their
deficits.
9.
Nice women who speak in a sweet, squeaky whingy voice only get eulogized at their
graveside. Speak up. Speak loud. Tweet. Write. Shout. Better to be more
powerful and well respected in this life, than as a tokoloshe. Practice saying NYET. Very often.
10.
There is a Goddess up in the sky. She is always
on your side. You don’t need to go inside a building to chat to her. You do not need someone else to interpret your conversations with her for you. Especially if you have to give them and or their wife any money. You do not need to consistently tell everyone about your lovely relationship with her.
She knows. You know. For sure. Just enjoy it. Be grateful.
