Happy Birthday Mr President

I am not Marilyn Monroe, so I can’t say it in that breathless tone of hers. Happy birthday, Comrade Mugabe. You have had one so many, it must be tiring now, no?
I turned 46 two weeks ago. I could hardly stay awake throughout the festivities of my little soiree. I amazed myself by staying awake till 2am. How do you do it? How do you manage to stay so……energetic? So alert?
I really want to know your secrets. But first I want to know the reasons.

At a mere 46 I feel tired. If anyone could give me a nice package which can send my 16 year old child to school I would simply take it and run to the nearest island. I love my life, my job, and all the travelling. But I find that I love myself more than all these things. I want to take care of ME! I want to sit in a nice chair and write. My blog. Letters to my friends. Letters to my children. I want to read nice books. Watch good fun movies. I just want to put my feet up. Heck! I am tired of running a three bed-roomed apartment, and five children. I have to keep a job so I can meet my obligations.

Why are you still working at 87? Don’t you just want to love yourself for a change? Take care of number one, you? Aren’t you exhausted? Surely you must be tempted to just take your little back pack and wave goodbye to running a country? When will you write your memoirs? You can do that. Plus you can wake up to the Herald at your door each day. Read all that interesting “news”, they publish. The very laden obituary pages should keep you entertained and happy when you see how young they seem to die these days, compared to yourself. When you are done, you can watch nice reruns of the armed struggle, the ones ZTV seems to have plenty of. If you don’t feel like those, you can watch reruns of Dallas, they stock those too. You will be spoilt for choice of reruns of films you can relate to. Whatever you do, don’t watch DSTV. Please sir. It will depress you no end. What with all your friends and presidential cohort in trouble. You really don’t want to see those silly Libyans calling for Gaddafi to step down. The rest of today’s television is pointless drivel, or naked girls your daughter Bona’s age. No, it is just too much. They say you like cricket. You can watch that to your heart’s content. I avoid most of what they call entertainment. I watch the history channel, football, and of course Al Jazeera. But as psychologists always tell us, television is not really good for relaxation. So stay away from it or watch very little.

When the eyes hurt, you can take a little walk around your neighbourhood, with an MP3 in your ears, like I do. Only yours will be filled with great revolutionary songs. Or when you get bored you can listen to any of our four radio stations. They are a great delight those. Every half hour your blood gets pumped up by rendition of a revolutionary advert or song. Don’t let your young son Chatunga convince you to get an I-pod. Useless things those, to people of a certain age. They don’t have FM radio. If Chatunga is like my son he will load it with hip hop from I-tunes. Not recommended. It all sounds the same after the first three songs.

Anyway, back to your secrets, how do you do it? My father, who is 78 can hardly remember the names of extended family members. Very frequently a relative will pass by and say, “how are you khulu?” And he will respond enthusiastically, “I am well mzukhulu how are you?” Only for him to ask one of us nearby, who the hell that was! How do you remember the names of everyone in the politburo? How do you tell Nick Clegg and David Cameron apart? I am not even half a century old but I struggle to remember the names of some of my work colleagues. Last week I wrote an email in Ndebele to one American and in Shona to a Greek colleague. How do you remember stuff? Is there medication for that? Do share it please.

As I grow older I am increasingly suffering from attention deficit disorder, blind spots, and selective hearing. Do you suffer the same? Would that be why you seem not to hear certain voices in the country? Or why you seem to have a blind spot to very poor people’s plight? Do you pay attention to all parts of the country and all your citizens the same? I am failing. I blank certain things out. Completely. Do send me your recipes for how you cope with these age ailments. Relying on those around me doesn’t help, because they seem to tell me only what they think or what they want. Don’t you sometimes have that feeling?

The day before my birthday I wanted to buy a cheaper facial brand to the one I had used for five years, which I must say did work wonders for me. It seems many people can’t work out how old I am by just looking at my buffed and cleansed face! That was never my intention. I only intended to keep my skin looking clean, and bright. So on this day last week the beautician suggested I use something called “Age-Defying”, something or other. I politely explained that I was happy with my age and did not want to defy gravity. She frowned in amazement, and shoved the brand into my basket. It really was half the price of my former brand, so I took it. Do you use the same age defying what not? I know you dye your hair pitch black. I have never understood that sort of thing, because it really does confuse matters. I don’t want to have a disconnection between my hair, face hands and age. They also say you eat very healthy food, and take lots of energy drinks? Good luck with all that. Each to their own, eh comrade?

So happy birthday once again, I don’t know why, or how you continue to do what you do. Enjoy your cake. Good luck with blowing that many candles. You will need it.
I will continue to write and enjoy myself. I love myself that much.