Why I am "de'friending" you

Dear fr…..ahem, person,
Happy new year, happy birthday, anniversary, new job, new lover, divorce, new baby, new hairdo, and whatever other happy occasion will come your way this year and thereafter. I am doing this to save time, space, and the guilt – when you accuse me of having forgotten any such event in the course of the year.

Having been this nice, let me immediately say why I am writing this letter. I have decided to de-friend you from this day hence-forth. I am de-friending you on Facebook, Plaxo, Linkedin, skype, google-chat, yahoo chat, and of course my mobile phones. All three of them. You see dear person, the new year is a time to take stock of one’s life, set new goals, clean up one’s nooks and crannies, and generally move onto new and fresher things. At the beginning of each year, I clean out my cupboards, my wardrobe, my desk, my emails, and my files. But I have noticed that I have neglected one area – people. Relationships. These too need cleaning up, don’t you think? Now that I am done with cleaning all these other areas of my life, I am paying doing a people clean up exercise. There are various reasons that have led to this. Some of these might apply to you, while others you may not be aware of.
I really don’t know you really do I? When I happily accepted your “advances|” on facebook/plaxo etc, I was just too shy to say no. It didn’t seem right to reject you. Truth be told though, you don’t know me, and I don’t really know you. You can’t possibly be my friend when I have to keep reminding you how many children I have? And you can’t even remember any one of their names! There are five of them. If you just kept asking me about one of them, I would understand. But five? Nah! I on the other hand, don’t know a thing about you other than your name and the odd conference/gathering/once off event where we meet. Or I simply know that we work/ed in the same organization. That hardly makes you my friend does it? If it does I might as well befriend the guy who waters our plants each week, the regular DHL delivery man, and the cashier at my favourite coffee shop? I think I have much richer rapport with my hair dresser and my gynaecologist. The former has two children and her mother has diabetes, while the latter knows my entire biological make up and we have running jokes about our body parts. You, no, I don’t even know where you live.
Let’s just walk away now. At least nobody will be hurt. I am just one more name in your inbox and on your profile.


Then there is you, the one I was under the illusion I knew and liked. But over the last year, I found out I really don’t. First, there is the company that I see you keep; that reactionary politics, that homo-phobia, those misogynistic views – all paraded on public platforms. The less said here the better. Lets just say, I can’t afford to be seen in that company.

Then there is your own politics my, erm, friend; the same homophobia, the anti women, anti other human beings’ rights stuff you make little comments about via email, on skype, on text, and on those social networks. I shall none of it. Goodbye.


Then there is you, the religious zealot, who thinks you have been sent on a mission to save me, (not sure from what?), convert me, make me see what you call “the light”.
Let me break it down for you honey. I am over 40 going on half a century. I know where I am going, and what I believe. The only relationships I want to parade in public are sexual ones, strange as that might sound. My faith or lack thereof is a private matter. Jesus, Allah, Lord Shiva, the prophets and I go way back….sometimes earlier than when you were born my dear. I don’t want to be assailed by religious verses in my own space. I don’t want you to preach to me. Between my mum, my spiritual mentors (who don’t include you please note), and my Grade 2 teacher, (she is alive and sings beautifully), we have the whole faith thing covered. If I want to get some ‘ol’ time religion, I know exactly where to go and who to go to. It’s certainly not to facebook, outlook, or text messaging. I live in a secular world. Let me enjoy it please. Goodbye to you too.

I am tired of you, my soon to be ex-friend, trying to mobilize me to a “cause”. I am a cause! Plus I have enough causes that I actually work for day and night. Maybe you haven’t been politically active, so YOU need a cause? Good for you, and welcome to the world of human beings who care about others. Let me know if you need help identifying worthy causes as some of the ones you have been sending me are, eh…..suspect.

You are my relative, not my friend. We are simply related biologically, but we don’t have a relationship as such. Do you get the difference my relative? I am de-friending you too because other than our blood ties we haven’t got much in common. We hardly exchange more than two sentences at funerals and weddings. So I don’t see why I should keep you on my books. Sadly there is no chance of me deleting you from my life, or you deleting me. We just have to bear it and grin when our mothers ask, “how is your sister there in Johanazbeg”. We will say what we always say, |”ha she is ok”, meaning, you are alive and if you had died, then I would surely have been the one to repatriate your body home. You I will simply keep on the contact list stuck to my fridge. That way my children or the complex care taker can reach you should they need to. Off with your mug on my facebook list!

Finally there is you, my old friend. You were my friend in many senses for many years. I knew you from primary/high/work/socially/church/mosque or all of the above. We had something in common, once. But we have both moved on. We hardly communicate. Be honest when was the last time you called me on the phone? Sent me a note on my birthday? Do you even remember when it is? When did I last sit with you and laugh at a private joke we share? When we try to communicate, the conversations are strained. I don’t know half the folks you now call your friends, neither do you know mine. We give each other’s contacts to others who make better use of them than we each do. Let’s stop pretending. It’s not working anymore.

Happy everything once again and have a fantastic the rest of your life!

PS. Feel free to de-friend me too, in case you relate to what I said here...