On the Pitch

What a week! What drama! What fun! What colour! And to think I almost missed this.
So here we are girls, (and fun loving boys), week one, and we are on a roll. The show got off to an R-Kelly start, and away we went.

Is there anyone on this giant planet who didn’t see the picture of the Portuguese contingent arriving in snazzy (but ill-fitting?)suits. That fashion seems to've passed me by, tight suits. I have received the picture almost 50 times.You can all stop sending it to me thanks. I told you I don’t like Christiano Ronaldo’s cockiness. I don’t care how much he is paid or how much was paid for him, (people who are paid for always end up in tears, ask umm….anyone who was the subject of a financial transaction, including lobola).

Everyone has played their first games now. We have already seen some second matches. So let us take stock of the moveable feast that has been before our eyes.

I love men in uniform

But it has to be of a particular kind. So far the best uniform I have seen is the Ausssie one. This is not a sympathy vote for their drubbing by Germany, the Australian uniform is MANLY. Dark colours. It says, "power!". Lovely matching dark socks. Even most of their boots were sedately coloured. This is how men’s uniforms should be, you know like the air force, or senior army generals'.

But of course the sexiest uniform still goes to…..Cameroon! Those boys have perfected the art of uniform design. Sleek, body hugging. Showing us those chisselled pecs. Samuel Eto’o and his boys look fabulous in those close to skimpy numbers. The only downer is the colour. Hayi, hayi, hayi, as we’d say in various Nguni languages. What’s with the bright colours? I know this has something to do with national flags and all that, but here is the thing. How is a man supposed to look sexy in a green top, red bottom, and horror of all horrors, yellow boots!! Yellow boots? In our old un-PC days we used to call such dressing, kupfeka semuNyasarand. I won’t translate that, just read the name of the country at the end.

Colour
Which brings up the question; what’s with these yellow, red and orange boots? Who makes them? Why? Is there a fear that the players won’t see each other if their boots are darker (manly) colours? Whose brilliant idea was it? I need an essay written on the subject. I do have a very fashion conscious son so I consider myself an expert on the subject of colours. When he was younger, yes, we bought colourful shoes, jackets, hats. Psychologists told us that these made children happy, cheerful, and made us the parents and complete strangers want to pick them up because they looked adorable. By the time he got to 12, we started toning down the colours. I know I am on shaky sexist ground here, but feminism taken completely into account, men should not wear red or yellow boots after a certain age. No. It is wrong.
Staying with colour, South Africa’s yellow, and Dutch orange, were the other colours I don’t think look so fetching on men with six packs, (never mind on women with two tummies). I don’t know who was scarier between the two. Maybe that is the idea, to dazzle the opposition with….colour? The brightness of these colours was magnified by the seas of supporters each of these teams had. From the shirts, to the wigs, (yes dear friends who are reading this from across the Indian ocean, WIGS). I am all for riotous colour and showing one’s national or continental colours. But flaming yellow and blinding orange wigs, also didn’t work very well, off the pitch. The alternative in SA was to don something with the whole full flag. As you all know, those of us who got our freedom after 1980 went a bit overboard when it came to designing flags. They are so “busy”, and such wikipedias of our countries’ symbols that one needs an entire seminar on them. Zimbabwe, South Africa. All those colours were just meant to be splashed on pieces of canvass, not draped on our bodies.

At the other end of the spectrum are the boring colours. Argentina, Uruguay, England. Plain boring. Nothing to write about there. The funniest is Uruguay’s Forlan, in his sky blues, complemented by the now famous Alice band around his hair. What’s the story there? My friend Alejandra who is Uruguayan tells me Forlan is a famous heartthrob, (see below). That Alice band shall be his undoing on the global stage am afraid. Even funnier are some local fans donning these boring colours on their heads. I saw a Zulu man with a blue and white wig. Eish. Let me keep quiet.

Both Koreas and the Japanese have all decided to stick with equally boring colours. Red looks good on demonstrators and socialist causes. Not on the football pitch.

Wrong competition?

I don’t get the American uniform. What’s with the sash running across the shirts? Is this a beauty pageant Obama’s men? Or did you rock up at the wrong competition?

What happened to the mini?

My big gripe with all the teams (Cameroon is slightly excused), is that they are wearing shorts that we call here Clam Diggers. Long shorts that cover everything. Everything. What’s with that? What happened to the mini? In the run up to this World Cup I was brushing up on my knowledge of all things football by watching grainy movies of games gone past. In almost all of them, until about the early 1990s, the boys wore nice, skimpy shorts! That was more like it. We could see these men’s beautifully sculpted legs. That is the point of us paying good money to watch men kicking a pig’s bladder around for 90 minutes. The scores are just the topping. We don’t want to see men in daytime pyjamas.

The men with the looks

And now to the important bit. Who are the cute ones? I am not going to talk about the old perennials. Let’s look at the, ahem, debutantes, if we can call them that. The ones those of us reared on English FA and UEFA are not used to seeing regularly on our small screens.
In our beauty pageant, week one has been won by Uruguay. How does a nation manage to field an entire team of good looking men? England and Germany please take note.
Itumeleng Khune of South Africa has been red carded so we won’t be seeing him again (soon). The child is cute. But that red uniform doesn’t go with his palor. A deep Portuguese green, or maroon would work beautifully.
Nigeria’s Odemwige is another beauty. He carries those hair plaits much better than other men – who really shouldn’t bother. If Nigeria doesn’t advance to the second round, that will be our major loss. Pity the green uniform, the Aussie navy would go very well with his tone.
Andrej Konac from Slovenia is my other new discovery. Darkish, in that attractive Mediterranean way. Mmm.
There is also a good looking one from DPRK, but I was too busy cheering them on, (I studied the Juche idea and am still getting over it). I will keep looking out for him.

The prettiest debutante so far is Mexico’s Dos Santos. Cuteness as cuteness. He just should remove the Alice band as well and let his hair down.

I am keeping my fingers crossed that none of my beautiful ones get knocked out in the first round. Otherwise the light will just go out of the World cup for me.

Happy viewing girls! And boys who know a good thing when they see it.