To my son on your 16th Birthday

My little man. Today you are 16. It feels just like yesterday when you were this little bundle in my arms, and I didn't know what to do with you. Nobody had quite warned me what to expect. Every other mother made it look so easy. So effortless. "Congratulations! He is soooo cute! Oh, you are so lucky!" They all said. I was not too sure about that. They call babies "bundles of joy". That is in English of course. I don't know what the Shona or Ndebele equivalent is. The closest it gets is "Chipo chakabva kuna Mwari", a gift from God. I could write a whole thesis on that whole theory. I have always called you my gift from the mushroom.

There is a story we read in Grade 4, about a couple who did not have a child and for years they prayed for one. Finally someone advised them to offer prayers to a giant mushroom, who was known to bring luck. The mushroom gave them the baby, but on one condition, they never made the baby cry, upset, or unhappy. They were told if they did this, the child would vanish and come back to the mushroom. The happy couple promised to do what they were told and got their baby. A few years later the child started behaving like all children, and poof! The child went back to the mushroom.
I still haven't worked out what the moral of that story was. But each time you wailed so loudly, refused to eat anything that was coloured yellow or orange, (you still refuse to drink orange juice or eat mangoes to this day), I felt like that couple. Not that I had asked any mushroom for you. You just sort of happened, and I made the choice to have you. It was a choice.

I am the last born child of my mother, so I had never been made to look after any other babies. I wailed with you. I was totally helpless, not knowing who to hand you over to, or what to give you. Thank God for my wonderful late housekeepeer - the ever efficient Lucy. Now there was the gift from the Gods. She knew exactly what to do with you. Here was a born mother - and I don't mean that in that condescending madame/maid way. She was the genuine item. Her joy was your joy. Your pain was hers. I happily handed you over and cowered in the corner, watching this woman and you create a bond. I became a spectator in your upbringing. For the first eight years of your life Lucy became the mother that I wasn't, or that I could ever hope to be.
That is a story for another book.
Save to say, always remember Lucy and what she meant to you. You were too young to appreciate it then. I am telling you now so you know. So that when you lie on your psychologist's chair sometime from now, you can blame it all on the fact that you had another mother who wasn't me! You can tell the therapist that I was just one of those women who didn't fit into that mould they write about in books, or that they write "mothering" books for. I never read one. Not a single one to this day. Because no book could ever prepare me, or anyone else for that matter. I still believe there is no formula. No theory to raising children. There are no books written for women like me, who love their children, but love them in a very different way to what they tell us. That is why you are in a boarding school, four hours away from where I am. I love being with you at certain moments but not 24/7. I am not one of those women who get "fulfilled" by baking scones for the bake sale, making you a witch costume, or fetching and carrying you from every basketball game.
I will give both my kidneys for you if I ever have to. But I want you to be your own person. To navigate yourself around the world. I want you to become a global citizen, who can chose to live, love, work, enjoy any part of this beautiful world. To see what I haven't seen. To have a network that spans places I have never heard of.

Now that you are at an age where I can have adult conversations with you, let me use this day and this space to tell you what I wish for you. At 16 you can now drive a car or a scooter, (in Zimbabwe that is). Learn how to drive. Don't be like me who is too scared to reverse. I can go forward or sideways. Just don't expect me to go backwards. They tell me it is something embedded in my psychology. But being the villager that I am, I haven't laid me down on a therapist's chair to explore that. Drive yourself around. It gives you freedom, and will give you the licence to explore the world slowly. I can not wait for the day we buy you a car, (with your money honey, not mine), and we take a drive round the SADC region.

16 is the age to explore sexually. You are lucky you are a boy. Yes let's not forget that bit. If you were a girl there would be now talk of you getting married, in some societies you would be given in marriage to some old geyser. That is why I do the work that I do my son. To fight for the rights of girls your age to be free like you are, too choose. To love who they want, when they want. I hope you join me in this fight one day. You are starting to think about sex. Make wise choices. Sadly for you, the word sex is immediately followed by HIV & AIDS. Don't forget you live in a region where this is the topic uppermost in our minds and our lives. You have seen for yourself the huge damage it has done to our family. But it need not be like that. Sex is also about pleasure, joy, fun.
You are still at that age where you don't quite know your own sexuality. At the moment you are totally convinced that you are heterosexual. You are sometimes so homophobic it is not funny! I fully understand. So don't worry there is plenty time to find out. Whatever you are, I will always love you. Be prepared to also change your views about others' sexuality. Don't be a cave-man. I hope I have raised you to recognize that every human being has rights and that it is your responsibility to fight for those rights, and let everyone enjoy their rights. Bigotry, hate, and stereotyping have no place in the society you live in.


Just your having a penis brings with it so much power, privilege, and opens up quite a large number of doors. Coupled with this, the education you are getting, in one of the most privileged schools in this country and beyond, will add to that power and privilege. I so enjoy the confidence that you seem to acquire each and every day you are at St. Andrew's. I have told all my friends how literally you came back from your very first term of Grade 8 and you were walking like you had six balls! I always wondered where that came from when I saw my friends like Brian who walk like that. Chest in the air. Head held up high. Speaking your mind. Asking questions. Looking everyone in the eye. I chuckle each time you have conversations with my friends, you speak like an adult to people in public places, and insist on your rights when you think they are violated. I hope you keep that confidence and that self assuredness. You will need it wherever you go.

The trick though my son, is not to be arrogant. Don't confuse confidence with arrogance. The other trick is how you use your power and privilege of being an educated man. Will you use ito oppress others? To look down upon those who have less than you? Women? Those who are materially deprived? Those who haven't been where you have been? Let me warn you now before you get lost. Don't grow up to be like many privileged men who; have no sense of how much power they wield in such negative ways that they actually curse you if they are ever challenged. Speak so loudly and so abrasively to those with less power as to simply shut them up. Think that women are their possessions. Behave as if everyone should get out of their way because they are lesser beings. It is a good thing to be educated, smart, knowledgeable, and of course to be a man. But use what you have wisely, and justly. It is after all ....a gift from the mushroom....


You must have srong values. Positive values. I will not impose mine on you, but let me suggest some important things; Always hold your family close. In Western society, I am the closest family you have. But you know that is not the case. You were born into my wise, wonderfully huge family. Each one of them has been there for you and me. I hope you will be there for them too. Have friends. Good friends that make you laugh, cry, and share with. Build deep lasting relationships. Be loyal to your friends and family. But not blindly so. Always respect others, elders and peers alike. They will respect you too.

Chose those things that matter. Don't fret about those that don't. Here I worry about the messages you get from TV, movies, and the all too ubiquitous American culture that your generation imbibes by the gallon. You have only been to America once and saw for yourself that not everyone lives in those "cribs" you see on Entertainment tv! Niether does everyone carry that much gold on their teeth or around their necks. As I always tell you, those with real money don't invest it in their teeth or around their necks. Not everyone with a huge car is happy, nor is that huge car even paid for! Money is important, it will buy you all kinds of comforts. But it won't buy you a meaningful life. You will have to define for yourself what that meaningful life is. I will not do it for you.

Read my son. Please read! Anything. Something. Please read. It will widen your horizons. Sadly watching tv, or the internet will never equal reading a good book, a good journal. Be literate. Choose what to watch on tv. Listen to radio. It is sometimes more powerful. Watch good movies with a story. Which will teach you something important. Read newspapers. Know what is happening in the world. There is nothing as embarrasing as asking on facebook, "what is happening in Sudan?" Or, "Who is "Yoweri Museveni?" Hai, no my son. If only for the sake of not embarrasing me, please be up to speed with current affairs.

Travel. Even if it is to East London. It is amazing what you discover about the world, or even about yourself. That is why I dragged you all the way to Vietnam three years ago. I was so proud of you, standing in that sun, with those hundreds of people to see the body of Uncle Ho Chi Minh. You even bought Uncle Ho's bust, t-shit and a poster. You even all about him. I will continue to drag you to more places if I can afford it, because I would like you to know history, so you can understand the present. I don't want you to be ignorant about the past. Travelling will give you empathy, understanding, and connections with other human beings. And of course it is great fun.

Know the history of our beautiful country, and its present politics. You are a citizen. You have not grown up in the country of your birth, but that is the only country that you currently call HOME. Until you chose another home, you owe it to yourself to know what you can about it. Be interested in it.

You are also resident in this great and interesting country, South Africa. It is your present home, (in smaller letters of course). You and this country's freedom were born in the same year. I don't know if you will eventually chose this one as your HOME. For now, enjoy it. Love it. Savour what is has given you. Be interested in where it is going, because you are here.

Someone once said the world is run by those who participate. Join something. Participate in something meaningful. A sporting team. A social club. A debating society. Join a cause. Everyone is always asking you to join one on Facebook I am sure. Find one or two. That is the art of citizenship. If you are just floating about, and letting others define how your world should be, you might as well be dead. Don't float. Anchor yourself. Care about something. Be involved.

I know I am not always the perfect mother. Nor do we always agre on everything. In fact as you grow older we fight a lot about many things you and I. I am not a man, so sometimes I don't know how to deal with your masculinity. But you are my son. I know you will not be so angry with me as to go back to the mushroom. I want what is best for you. I have seen enough harm done to this world by men (and women), who only care about themselves. That is why my fights with you are nearly always about values. About what is important in life rather than what will pass like the proverbial morning dew.

We don't have some rite of passage ritual in my culture, so we will celebrate your birthday when you come on holiday. We will do something fun together. I am still looking for some male role models for you. They will help you deal with all that testeterone, and show you the manly ropes. But as you can imagine that is not as easy as it might look. I have set the bar very high, because I would like to find you men who can teach you to be a loving, caring, sharing, and yet strong man.

For today, I will give you the gift of music. I want you to listen to that wonderful song by Phil Collins called Father to Son. Listen to those words, and call the song Mother to Son.

Somewhere down the road you are gonna find a place,
It seems so far but it never is,
And you won't need to stay,
But you might lose your strength on the way
Sometimes you may feel you are the only one,
Coz all the things you thought were safe...oh now they are gone.
But you won't be alone,
Because I will be here to carry you along
Watching you till all the work is done


If you heart is beating fast then you know she is right
If you don't know what to say well that's alright
Don't know what to do
Remember she is just as scared as you
Don't be shy, even when it hurts to say
Remember, you are gonna get hurt some day anyway
You must lift your head,
Keept it there,
Remember what I said,
I will always be with you don't forget
Just look over your shoulder I will be there


Welcome to a new phase of life my child.